callista: (yuuko)
Livejournal seems to be imploding gradually as the days pass so it occurred to me to move my blatherings elsewhere, ignoring the fact that I have not blogged in at least a year. I would be more exact, but I can't exactly check LJ due to their aforementioned epic fail. To be perfectly frank, I am only here now because I am depressed and I don't want to actually tell anyone I know because they would either overreact or not react at all. You might think it odd that there'd be such a significant disparity in people's reactions, so I should be more specific. Specifically, my mother and close friends who live oceans and continents away will overreact and fear for my sanity (I'm not even exaggerating; my mother called me five times last Saturday in a sudden fit of paranoia that I'd gone and killed myself). In contrast, my not-so-close friends who live here (and, possibly, my father) will, at best, say well-meaning but ultimately trite things about how I have nothing to worry about and everything will work out in the end. At worst, they'll steer the conversation towards their own life crises, which they sincerely believe to be worse and more urgent than mine. I will not dispute the validity of their beliefs because I honestly do not believe that my problems are worse than anyone else's. That is a vanity I hope never to cultivate. And I am probably being extremely unfair to this subset of friends, but it must be made clear that I am not impugning their characters so much as I am being realistic about the how close our relationships are. By some stroke of misfortune, the companions I grew most attached to for the past few years are the ones who chose to leave for greener pastures and I am left with people who know me but never got to know who I am. With options such as these, my only recourse now is to simply put my thoughts down on (virtual? metaphorical?) paper and hope that it will provide some modicum of comfort.

I used to keep old-fashioned journals as a child and teenager (and how times have changed so drastically that paper and pen are now considered by many to be quaint and almost obsolete). I don't remember why I bothered to take one with me when I moved away from home, considering that I already had an LJ at the time. I'll sidetrack a bit and say that if I had to make up a reason, it would be because I love writing - not just in the sense of stringing words together into coherent units, but also the act of drawing letters with ink. And I will be completely honest by saying that I love writing with pen and paper because I love my penmanship. It's one of the few things I am genuinely proud of, as strange as that sounds. I tend to deflect praise and compliments given about anything, but I gleefully accept comments about how my handwriting could pass for computerized font. Going back to my point, I still keep one old journal around even though I haven't written anything in it in years. In fact, I have always kept it out of sight, though I don't think it was ever a conscious decision on my part. This might be because I can never stop myself from crying when I read it. It probably says something about my childhood and life so far that the entries in that journal are by and large distressing.

This brings me (finally, circuitously) to my point: I don't want this journal to end up like that. I realize this is not the most auspicious of beginnings but who knows? Perhaps this will act as a catharsis of sorts, like sterilizing a festering wound. I don't even know how often I'll be inclined to air my thoughts out in the open. But maybe it will be enough to know that this journal will be here, listening when no one else can or will.

requiem

Oct. 20th, 2006 11:57 pm
callista: (shirou-chan!!)
I just lost a friend. And it sucks.

Orhe, I haven't seen or talked to you in 2 years, and now I never will. But you're probably in a better place now, so I'll just hope that you're happy, wherever you are.

There has to be a better way of learning not to take your friends for granted.
callista: (riku angel)
Time flies when you're doing absolutely nothing of significance and enjoying every minute of it.

*sigh*

But I still consider this summer productive. I made peace with someone, I spent time with my friends and family, I finished playing Kingdom Hearts 2 and I'm nearly finished playing (again) Final Fantasy X-2.. Not bad, right? :P

I'm torn. I don't know whether I'm excited to go back to school or whether I want to spend more time as a bum. I don't know if I'm anxious to leave this place full of memories I want to forget, or if I'm sad that I have to leave my friends again. *emo emo emo* But why even worry about it? It's not like I can stay even if I wanted to :P

To make things worse, I'm also stressed out about whether to stay in the choir or not. Binabasa ko palang choir forums namin, nahahassle na ako. Wala pa nga ako doon, parang ang dami nang kailangan gawin. Not that I didn't have fun last year. I'm just starting to wonder if it's worth all the stress I'm experiencing.

Okay no more emo tripping. DotA nalang :P
callista: (Default)
My first update in weeks is going to be a sad one.

My father is sick (but still had enough energy to do an operation AND bite my head off for going out too often). I brought him dinner in bed but that didn't seem to faze him. He didn't even eat the cinnamon roll I bought for him :P

My cat, Mocha, died yesterday and I didn't even know. The maids apparently forgot to tell me that my most beloved cat kicked the bucket while I was off having fun at Emzo's house. And then they suddenly bring it up by saying, "Oo nga pala, nilibing na namin si Mocha." Depressing.

The only good thing about this day is that I got new clothes. Needless to say, I'd gladly do without them if I could just delete this whole day from history and memory.

This layout is dedicated to my dearest Mocha, who gave me so much joy throughout his short life.
callista: (Default)
I know I haven't updated in ages, but I won't write much today. I'm not really feeling well. I feel like I'm coming down with a fever, which would really suck because I have choir practices everyday. We had practice all day today actually, which is probably why I feel so tired and generally icky. And we have practice tomorrow too, all the way until Wednesday. This obviously does not bode well for my health. Oh, and I suppose I should stop staying up until 2 in the morning too.

Blah. Matutulog na nga ako. I think too much when I'm awake. It just gives me a headache.

Gusto ko na umuwi..
callista: (Default)
Labo ng Ripway. Bigla nalang dinelete account ko. Oh well, at least naayos na.

I just finished reading [profile] zen_jase05's latest entry. Napaisip tuloy ako. Wala kasi akong alam sa mga ganyan eh. Pero siguro ang saya ng pakiramdam pag may nagmamahal sa iyo nang ganyan kagrabe. Whoever she is (kahit chismosa ako, di ko nalang aalamin :P), she's really lucky :)

Last choir practice na namin this Thursday. At ang masasabi ko lang ay: Thank God. Tingin ko talaga malapit na ko magbreakdown, di lang naman dahil sa choir pero masyado na talaga akong napapagod. It doesn't help that they have this way of making you feel like you're the worst singer on earth; they really don't hold back when they criticize. Maybe I'm just too sensitive, and maybe my pride won't allow me to accept criticisms. Whatever it is, I'm too tired to deal with much more of that kind of treatment. I've never had much confidence in myself to begin with, and they're certainly not helping. I definitely don't doubt that they're much better than me, especially in terms of technique and experience, but I still think they could use a little thing called tact. Wala rin naman silang mapapala kung masindak nila lahat ng new members eh.

Umuulan nanaman. Halos araw-araw na 'to ah. Oh well, at least malamig. Problema lang pag di na umuulan, sobrang humid naman. Dalawa nalang ata ang types of weather dito eh: extremely hot and excessively rainy. At ang masaya pa diyan, kailangan ko pa lumabas mamayang 4:30 para sa choir (nanaman). Minemeet kasi kami isa-isa para ayusin pagkanta namin. Hay buhay..

Monthsary ko na ulit bukas. Three months na! And in a few weeks, exams na. Grabe, ang bilis. Hay salamat, makakauwi na rin ako.

Sorry kung medyo ma-drama. Rainy days have a tendency to make me more melancholy than I usually am.

Praise fate.. I'm coming home.. - Take No by Hale
callista: (Default)
Ngayon ko lang napansin yung date. September 20 na pala. Malapit na ko mag-2 months dito.. Wala lang. Tinamaan ulit ng nostalgia..

fever day

Sep. 10th, 2005 09:53 pm
callista: (Default)
Yes, I am sick. All those late nights finally caught up with me. It's a good thing that today is Saturday; I'd hate to have to go to class with a fever. But the downside of this is I'm having trouble making myself do anything productive. I was supposed to write a reaction paper on the Japanese film we watched today (Kagemusha directed by Akira Kurosawa), but I felt too tired. I can't afford to be lazy.. There's too much at stake >_<

Weird. I think Pitas is down. Oh well.

Malapit na pala mag-10.. Matutulog na ba ako? Hay.. Di talaga ako sanay eh.. Saka interesting pa ang pinag-uusapan namin ni [profile] scyphs. Hehehe.

Sana December na..

My thoughts are starting to become off-tangent. Conclusion: I need to rest.

monthsary

Aug. 26th, 2005 06:49 pm
callista: (Default)
Yes, it's been exactly one month since I got here. One month since I left home to try my luck in a foreign school with foreign people and foreign cultures. How time flies. It seems like only yesterday that I was still whiling away the hours in UP or at home, perfectly content in doing nothing of particular significance but making unforgettable memories at the same time. I'm not really homesick anymore, but it still makes me sad to think that I'm not a part of my friends' and family's lives anymore. Well, at least not as much as I used to be. But that's life. We all have to make sacrifices. I just hope mine will be worth it.

On a less serious note, I really really really really REALLY want a new cellphone. I'm still talking it over with my dad, though. Actually, he already promised me that I could get a new phone; we're just working out the money issue. We're still deciding whether he's going to add the money for a phone to my bank account (which is good :D) or I'm just going to get the money from whatever I have now (which is not so good :P). Well, I guess anything's fine as long as I get what I want (parang medyo contradictory ata. oh well :P).

Oh, and I decided to join the choir competition in Shah Alam, which means I won't be home until around the 2nd week of December >_< *sigh* This trip had better be worth the time and money ($500 o_o) I'm investing in it. Kundi maaasar talaga ako :P
callista: (Default)
One word: blah.

Oh well. Pass or fail, I still get something positive out of it. If I pass, I get to be part of a very competent choral group and experience competing on an international level. If I fail, I don't add more weight to my already somewhat loaded schedule. Either way, I win.

Yes, I'll just keep telling myself that.

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callista: (Default)
callista

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